Three weeks ago today I would have barely been through the first 12 hours after the surgery and now I am getting around on my crutches, going to swim therapy, and can slowly get dressed on my own. I still can't get in and out of the shower without help, which I believe is the most frustrating part. I hate not being able to take care of myself without help. My PAO friend Stephanie has been through this process already and she reassures me that there is light at the end of the tunnel. She also admits that it is a daily battle of thoughts if you can make it through, did you make the right decision, etc. I guess this process is normal, but some days are much worse than others. Days like today, where I got to swim and actually felt normal for the first time in a long time, I feel great, but other days I wonder if I can make it, did I make the right decision, will I ever be back to where I was? I will only know these answers in time.
There are so many days that I struggle with my decision or the reality that I will have to do this surgery again on my left hip. I know God has a plan for me and that somehow this will fit into the plan, but I just can't see it right now. I have struggled over the last year dealing with this problem and the ramifications it had on my Army training. It was hard to stand by and watch as my class moved on, as well as have been punished for the fact I was injured. It was hard hearing what others had to say in regards to my condition, such as it's my fault that I am in this situation and that if I don't recover, it too is my fault. Without a shadow of a doubt, I don't want to let those individuals win by me leaving the program, but part of me also does not want to continue in those surroundings or cause permanent harm to my body. These things I have definitely thought about throughout my recovery, because you have no option but to sit and think. In time these concerns/issues will be worked out and figured out, but it is going to take time. I just hope whatever that may be that I will be happy and fully recovered.
I read your post and a wave of emotions came over me. Please believe me when I say that you are not alone!! It is amazing to me the mental toll this surgery takes on a person. You spend all your time before the surgery preparing physically and getting everything in order - but no one tells you about the mental side. I am 3 weeks out on my 3rd surgery on my right hip. I still cry sometimes when I look back at everything I have gone through and accomplished in the past 9 months.
ReplyDeletePlease believe me when I say that the good days will start to out weigh the bad ones!! Hang in there - it gets better. And if you ever need to bitch to someone who knows why your bitching, give me a shout!! Take Care!!
Renee