The Thoughts of Others

The other night I was very upset by the words of someone I considered a friend. It was about me and posting my thoughts and feeling on my blog and on Facebook. It was about not being positive or believing that my surgery would work. It was about me not being grateful that I was not in a life-or-death position or grateful that others were worse off then me; therefore, I should be happy. I was hurt by the fact she was telling me this because I believe those things are not true, not to mention that it was all about my "wrongs."

I tried explaining to her that my blog and Facebook page were my outlets to express how I feel. I also tried explaining that it is not someone else's place to tell me how I felt, what I thought or believed. Yes, prior to my FO I was nervous, scared, doubting if it would work. All of which are normal. I was even more anxious by the fact this was a surgery to fix a previous "over-correction." It had been a long two years and I was nervous about the results, etc. I wanted and pushed for the surgery because all other options had failed. My parents helped pay for large portions, even used a bonus my dad received from work. This was the last real hope we had to make my right hip function better and decrease pain. So, I found it hard to listen to someone that was trying to tell me what I was thinking, when I was doing anything I could to get better. We are also in two very different places in our lives and have different experiences. Those experiences shape how you handle certain situations.

I have tried to be honest with how I have felt and express those feelings. I try not to put a facade on just to seem happy for the sake of others. It does more harm than good. Recently, my dad found this article in American Family Association Journal. It was about pain, healing and joy. I know I have been struggling with faith recently, but this definitely hit home and related perfectly to the situation I was going through with my friend. Excerpts I found especially helpful were "...Pain is natural and we are designed to feel it. That is where our sense of compassion comes from. We have to trust that God will bring us from a place of current pain to a place of healing and from there to a place of joy." "...We all know happiness, sadness, anger, joy and contentment. We run into more trouble we we try to act as though we do not have the negative feelings than when we intentionally own them. While "owning our feelings" may sound like New Age mumbo jumbo, there is scriptural support for the concept. It's called honesty. We are called to be honest with ourselves, with God and with others, even when it comes to how we feel. David, Job and Jeremiah all got angry with God, asking whether He could see their infirmities or if He was even paying attention at all. God did not strike them dead for being honest with how they felt. In fact, more times than not, He patiently listened and then helped them see things through his perspective. He would let them know that He was still in control and, while they were not aware of it, their suffering was but one step toward finding eternal joy."

I tried explaining to her that not only was I trying to express myself as a way of stress relief, but I was also healing. The last few years have been an intense journey and their were numerous things that I was healing from physically, mentally, emotionally and even, spiritually. It was also a shock to me because I was not trying to contact her with questions or trying to dump my problems onto her, but only expressing myself through my own outlets. It felt more like an unnecessary attack. After the Facebook responses to a posting, she texted me which is where I tried explaining these things. It was not successful, so I emailed her a letter of why I believed what I did and what I had gone through in hopes she would be able to understand more of where I was coming from, but it didn't work. I casually asked her the following day if she got my letter and it went south from there. I was told that all I talk about is myself and how I have had a lot to deal with everyday, everywhere. That I was not a positive person and that it wore on her. I was very upset at this point. I poured my heart out to her in a letter and again was attacked. Others tried telling me that when people lash out like that it is because of insecurities they have with themselves. That may be true. She may be lonely or scared, but that is why I tried telling her that is was okay to express yourself.

It is not someone else's place to tell you how to express yourself, to tell you how you have felt, believed or what to believe. I had not sought her ought, but instead she commented to me. If you do not like what someone has to say, what they believe, or want to talk with them, than why seek someone out to do so? It felt like an attack. I know this person has been dealing with a lot and I tried keeping the letter honest and tell her that I appreciated her, but also tried to be honest with what I was dealing with as well. You should not be tearing others down because you are stressed or do not like their beliefs or how they handle life's circumstances. I also tried explaining to her that through many counseling sessions I have learned that it is very cliched to tell someone because someone else is worse off you should be happy. It is sad that others suffer, but it does not make your struggle easier or less important. Again, she disagreed. I told her she is allowed to believe what she wants, she is allowed to express herself how she pleases as am I. People are different and handle things differently and that it okay, but to come after someone and criticize them, attack what they are doing only, tears them down. It has not been the first time this has happened, where she has lashed out or sniped at me.

I know that I may not be happy all the time, but God didn't promise happiness, He promised joy. I also know that I am human and can only do my best. I try to be honest with myself and my feelings and right now, I am healing. I can only do what is best for me. I can not make decisions about my life on the basis of others. I did my best not to get angry with her, but tried only to support her. She is dealing with serious issues, but so I am. I try my best to be honest, but sometimes it may take time for me to be strong enough to disclose all the details and some I may never will and that is my choice. But, please don't tear down others. There are enough people to do that, but rather we should lift others up through our words and actions. I will let her be, told her I would always be there if she needed support, but it still leaves a sore spot.