Struggles, Stress and Tears

As the days and months go by, I have been able to deal with the fact that I have hip dysplasia. When I was first diagnosed and told of what would be necessary to correct the disorder, PAO, I was in shock. I couldn't believe that this was happening to me. I thought, "why now?" I had been running for years and my hip had never bothered me before. "Why now?" Why did this condition that I was born with now become such a problem? I had been training to become an Army officer for years, as well as been a member of the Indiana Army National Guard and all of a sudden I have a "genetic disorder" that could derail everything I had worked and trained for.

I couldn't have been more depressed. My love of running had been taken from me and with the thought of never being the same again crossed my mind over and over. I was even told that if I do not recover, it would be my fault for not being able to stay in the Army. All I thought was "are you serious?" I am going to be blamed for a problem I had no control over, I have to fix, and can only control my attitude through recovery!? That just made me angry!

Dealing with a decision that could potentially affect the rest of my life and just trying to do what is best, on top of the pain and crap that I have to go through to get "back to normal," and then have the stress that if I do not recover, it is my fault. What is wrong with people that they think they have the audacity to put that on me!? The advice that I received was "life is not fair." You have got to be joking! "Life is not fair!" That is the best you can come up with!? People who say things such as that are just justifying bad behaviour and have no moral backbone. They have the ability to affect change and choose not to. I have been told that I am "weak" by these same individuals and that my tears are just a sign of "weakness." In all reality, they are the ones who are weak. I am the one still standing, determined to do what is necessary to get back on top and not allowing the words or actions of others get in my way. They are weak for not standing and doing what is right.

I have chosen a profession that is based on the values of integrity, honor and respect and I have received little support from that same profession. "Never leave a fallen comrade," is part of our warrior ethos and only few have stood behind me through my struggles. Those who have stood behind me are the true warriors. The motivation that I have is to NOT become the people who have tried to break me, but to become better than that.

Many nights I have gone home with tear-filled eyes, wishing that I could change my circumstances. Many nights I had wished for the pain to go away. Many nights I wondered why I have to go through this? I still don't know the answer to that question, but I know that if I can get through this, nothing or no one can ever get in my way! I refuse to let others dictate how I am going to live my life!

I have found strength through others! My friends and family have been there for me every step of the way. I have found comfort through the stories, journeys and advice of others that have been through or are going through this process. The support group I joined, hipwomen, have been amazing in answering questions that I have had about what is to come and I have greatly appreciated it! It has helped put my mind and worries at ease. I know that it is going to be a long recovery, but I know that in the end this fight will only make me stronger...